The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
