Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I fill condoms, not promises.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
