the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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