So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
