I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
