a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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