i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
handjob tips. give me some.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
