What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I FOUND THE LEGS
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
