Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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