There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
