yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
