Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
