a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
