hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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