What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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