i may or may not be watching the land before time
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
