you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
