I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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