who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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