he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
