and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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