He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
