Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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