I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
