You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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