I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
