Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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