my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
