Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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