Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
