My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
