walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Shame - the story of my life.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
