at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
