just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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