he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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