He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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