actually, I'm a sock model
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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