wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
