a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We're too hungover to prance.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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