just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
