HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
