you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
