So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
