Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
