You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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