I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
