my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
