Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
