my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my vag is so smooth its legendary
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone signed my nipple.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
