there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
